My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize