I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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