I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The ass gains better be worth it
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