just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
