meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
