It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
