The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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