Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize