I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
