my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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