if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
