I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
