Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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