If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
