She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
