he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
