Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
