So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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