omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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