I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
