If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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