don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
