your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
