And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Oh god it's open bar.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
