I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
