i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
