Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize