i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
