Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize