his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
