I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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