God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
