I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
