Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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