Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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