So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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