Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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