I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
