Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
