70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
