I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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