your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
