i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize