You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
