Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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