I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
