Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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