I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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