I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will pee on everything he values.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
