you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
