the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
