At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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