Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
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