It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
