actually, I'm a sock model
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
