I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
