if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
