We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
